I’ve known I’m neurodivergent since childhood. True, that particular word wasn’t a part of my vocabulary until relatively recently, but I’ve always known I was different. It bothered me when I was young, because of how terribly other kids treated me, but eventually, I learned not to care quite as much.
The funny thing about it is that I still find things I struggle with that most people seem to have little trouble doing.
This new job involves hanging shelves and other fixtures that require an eye for symmetry.
Unfortunately, that’s something I’ve always had a hard time with. I don’t know if it’s connected to my dyslexia, or if it’s something else that’s as of yet undiagnosed, but it’s incredibly frustrating, especially when I’m working on a deadline.
Today, I was trying to get as much work done as I could over the span of over five and a half hours. Between uncooperative fixtures, disorganized boxes full of unwieldy things and the whole shelf-hanging issue, my anxiety levels slowly started to elevate.
When I was younger, I would have made myself miserable. I mean, why couldn’t I do such simple tasks quickly? Why was it so much harder for me than everyone else?
Now, I have a little perspective to fall back on. For one thing, while having some extra income is nice, the pay isn’t worth beating myself to pieces over. I’m doing it to help supplement the freelance stuff I do and to achieve a few financial goals. If I do need to leave, I’m confident I can find something else.
For another, I’m still being way too hard on myself. I’ve only been there for three weeks, and that first week consisted of only two days. I’m acclimatizing well, but it’ll take a little longer to get used to all of their processes.
I’ve found that everything seems to go more smoothly when I take a deep breath, step back and ignore that toxic little voice in the back of my mind. It yells at me to do perfectly immediately at anything I do, but I know it lies.
Everything takes time, and I need to allow myself enough room to get the hang of things.
Getting used to this job is also why I’ve been so quiet here as of late. I have a couple of entries outlined, but they’re not ready to be posted yet. I have started feeling better this week, so I’m hoping next week will be more active here.
In the meantime, enjoy a cute kitty pic. This guy has been so cuddly since I’ve started this job. He’s not used to having no humans in the house for such long periods of time.