HomedyslexiaOvercoming Lessons of Fear

Sleep wasn’t really a thing for me this weekend. We attended an out of state wedding, which meant trying to cram the festivities and family activities into one point five days, and traveling, or preparing to do so, the rest of the time.

Khan and Cleo have the right idea.

I tend not to sleep well in hotels. My husband wanted the television on for most of our time in the room, which only made it harder for me to get any sort of rest. Between that and the constant noise from the hallway, I think I managed to catch a grand total of maybe four hours’ sleep for the entire weekend.

Today, I’m beat.

I had a topic all planned out, but I can’t string enough words together in any way that makes sense. Reading is turning out to be just as difficult. The words on the screen almost seem to be moving around on me.

All I want to do is sleep.

In a way, I feel guilty about having that urge. I know it’s irrational, but it’s still something that’s been programmed into my psyche from an early age.

If I’m not actively doing something, I’m in the process of failing. If I fail, I’m not worth anything, and who wants that?

That fear-based thought process has an odd effect on me. Part of me wants to labor even harder to avoid that outcome, while another part is paralyzed with anxiety and a third part just gives up. Eventually, those last two parts win out on the first one, and I’ll hate myself for it.

There are still days, like today, that lesson of fear comes back to haunt me. I MUST be productive, regardless of how tired I am. I MUST achieve the impossible, even if my own brain is fighting me every inch of the way.

It took me a long, long time to realize how faulty that reasoning is. Yes, any kind of success takes a lot of effort, but at the same time, I am only human. I also possess a unique, wonderful type of neurology that requires me to take care of myself in order to reap the rewards.

A sort of balance needs to be achieved. It’s one of those situations when I need to figure out whether I’m just stuck in the inertia of staying still, or if I truly am in need of rest.

Today, I need the rest. Badly. Writing about these feelings always helps, and I’m just rescheduling today’s original topic for later, but I still need to catch up on my sleep if I’m going to get any quality work done.

That said, I’m off to take a nap.

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