Like most kids with LD, my school years weren’t exactly enjoyable. There was bullying in younger years, the horrible social awkwardness that comes with teenage years and the enhanced difficulties in
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navigating academics throughout.
Weeks like this one, where I can’t do anything right, bring a lot of those old feelings back.
Sometimes, you just get to a point where you just want to give up on yourself and the world at large. Why bother trying anymore if you’ll never get rid of the basic challenges?
What’s the point?
While these feelings are common and honest, they’re always heavily discouraged by our culture. It’s as if you’re not allowed to be sad, angry, hopeless or helpless at all.
No one likes dealing with those feelings, and few people enjoy seeing others experience them, but those emotions still hit us. Unfortunately, we’re taught that they shouldn’t.
We’re taught that to cry or show any sort of weakness is to state that we’re somehow less worthy than those who don’t.
So, we repress those emotions until they go away for a little while. The problems causing them often get ignored, and when the feelings come back, they may be stronger. We get frustrated, and the hurt worsens.
Of course, there are plenty of ways to deal with this, but none of them are easy. Those commercials advertising magical pills that get rid of your emotional woes are lying. The drugs might help for a while, but they’re ultimately a short term solution for many people.
It takes a lot to realize that sadness, fear and pain are just as necessary as happiness, love and pleasure. It also takes a lot to learn what works for you in dealing with them.
I wish there was a cure all.
It’d be great if I could wave a magic wand and banish my problems to a far off place. I wish it was easy to just stop beating myself up over mistakes, teasing or difficulty with certain things. I wish it was easy to just live in the moment and never give a thought to what had happened before or what might happen in the future.
None of that is going to happen any time soon.
What I can do is counter those stupid mistakes or difficult tasks with those I can do well. Some mistakes I can learn from, while others will keep happening, courtesy of dyslexia’s less pleasant side. So, I’ll learn how to avoid the ones I can, and not let the ones I can’t avoid beat me down. They happen, and usually the aftermath is trivial.
I can talk to those who are being hurtful and ask them to ease up for a while. If they really care for me, they’ll make an effort to be kind to me. If they don’t, I’ll just have to distance myself from them.
I can reflect on good things in times past and look forward to the positivity waiting for me down the line.
I can let myself feel my own sadness, anger and helplessness. I can let them roll over me, and let them take the tears with them. For me, at least, they stay only as long as I allow them to. If they’re allowed to build up, the good things in my life are only held back.
Life can be looked at as a long, pointless trip ending only in death. If that’s how you want to look at it, that’s your choice.
I choose to look at it as a series of journeys. I haven’t the slightest idea of where I’m going, but I’ll do my best on the way. Once I get to my final destination, I’ll have quite a story to tell, and hopefully a positive legacy to leave behind me.